Ol Red Cease and Desist

Okay, so here’s my first review. Eerie Brewing Company’s Wee Heavy Ale. I’d make a legend for you as to what is what, but I will make the assumption that if you’re reading this, you can figure it out on your own.

Beer poured into a perfect .5 liter calf hyde cylindrical at the top then spiraling downward and outward into a triangle shaped knapsack glass that was found in a Bavarian ruin outside of Lower Uncton dated from 1487 and said to have once contained the innards of Weihenstephan’s first master brewer.

Actually poured into a Boston Beer’s Sam Adam’s Lager glass to piss people off. LAZER ETCHINGS, DULLARDS!

Head non existent, then big, then non existent, then big again and it goes on like that for minutes. Until I realize that I’m an acerebral slubberdegullion and have been swirling the bottle around like a moron for five minutes whilst pouring. Also probably because I scrubbed the interior of the glass with what I found on the internet to be the only cleansing chemical that could be agreed upon; gerbil piss obtained from the Himalayan cork forests.

Nope, used soap and water with a liberal (does that even mean what it used to mean?) dose of elbow grease. Head still went away fast, though.

Prepared myself by inhaling burning incense made from print outs of ratebeer.com and the rather funky album covers from Prince. That and my usual 45 minutes of deep meditation focusing on why my nose is better than yours.

Nope, I just nose douched and waited for five minutes. What is nose douching? Netti pots.

I saw a video on youtube of guys from a place that sells home brew stuff that everybody uses then wonders why their beer sucks that the only way to properly enjoy the complex, deep, Inception like plot of a beer’s melody, you have to continually swirl the beer receptacle, also known as the glass, like a fine wine during the entire sniffing and tasting experience. So of course that’s what I did, and I spilled a lot of it on me and over me. You ever try to swirl a triangle?

The nose is malt malt and more malt. A little dark fruit and sweet but hidden booze. Another sniff and more booze is present.

Taste, dark malt, sweet base malt and grainy fresh malt as if it were bottled with some grain in it. Middle is meaty malt with little bits of the bittering hops shining through. Some dark fruit and the aforementioned booze.

Finish is a nice melange of all the grains mixed with the hops as they spiral down your tongue. Then the warmth of the 10% abv. I don’t want to sound weird or pretentious here, but I do get a slight smell and mouth feel of sun tan oil. I will attribute this to my superior skills as a taste interpreter, not because I was around a lot of people today with first beach sun burns, in March…here in Florida. Ah, hits the spot. Great session beer.:)

I then of course spit it all back into the bottle, used my bench capper to recap it and took it back to the store for a refund because I heard once that if it doesn’t have off flavored smokey phenolics in it, I don’t want it. The guy at ABC punched me. In the liver. Then cheerfully refunded my buck fifty and now I can have a sixer of Bud Light Platinum I don’t want my friends to know I desperately want to taste.

Okay, my first ever published beer review. Let me know if you like this format or if it just doesn’t do it for you. Thanks!