Pizza Made Difficult, pt.2

Have I mentioned lately that I have no patience? Well, I don’t. So let’s get to posting pictures and then we can laugh at them. Going back to the pizza theme, here’s what I did next to make a delicious pizza the most exhausting thing you can do with your time.

Here I add the force carbonated reverse pollination green peppers that I imported from the freezer section of the ghetto Win-Dixie. I had to invent an ice chamber that kept things cooked at freezing temperatures just to take them home.

I just don’t know where to start on Obamacare. Really, these poor onions only wanted to be tasty, but they were destined to treat wounds on soldiers off fighting the war on making love not war. I rescued them, butchered them and put them on a pizza.

OKAY, SO I MAY HAVE BEEN DRINKING A WEE BIT WHEN I MADE THIS PIZZA! But it was a seasonal beer, a summer shandy. At a low ABV, I could drink 50 of them. And did. Of course thanks to the industry’s ridiculous “first to market” standard, I drank this seasonal in January.

First round of pepperoni. I prefer the turkey pepperoni because if I made my own we’d be here until the next season of summer beers, and everyone knows that’s January 12th to the 13th. We don’t have time for that, so it’s turkey pepperoni. You can really taste the suffering!

So, yeah…the second layer of crust because I usually do a low carb, high protein and moderate fat diet. So when I carb, I REALLY carb. This dough has spent two hours in an induction loaded, perspective blind, oxygen free fart chamber. All of which makes no sense as soon as it is pulled out and hits oxygen again. But it looked cool on Williams Sonoma so I got it.

I once killed a man for suggesting that I had too much cheese on my PB&J sandwich because there’s no such thing ever as too much cheese. So my pizza has at least 2 lbs of mozzarella on it. How’d I kill the guy? Fed him cheese until his arteries collapsed and his heart gave out. I see no corollary. Or carotid for that matter.

Children jump up and down all the time in the hopes that they can suddenly fly. This is because they are stupid and their parents are inept. Thus, more pepperoni.

Do I REALLY have to tell you what’s going on in this picture? I mean, can’t you open your third eye, balance your chakra from any parallel fourth underpinning of Judah’s inherited soulistic infestation of Happenstanding™ and just, fucking, believe? IS it so hard to just accept that I can string a bunch on nonsense words together and you’ll have no recourse but to believe that I am more enlightened than you? Oh, this is when you put sauce on a real pizza.

Bake the ever loving CRAP out of that pizza for 45 minutes, don’t let it cool, just tear off a slice and burn the hell out of your mouth. Because real men don’t wait for things to be perfect before they do stuff, they just do stuff and cry when no one is looking. Then they laugh about it later and act tough.

Hope it was worth the wait! That’s how I make a pizza, and no…you can’t have any as this is from about two months ago and the ‘Za is but a fond memory now. Make your own, it’s difficultly easy!